The apprentice(work titel)

Ontdek een wereld voor elven en draken en nog veel meer mystiek
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Capt Harlock
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The apprentice(work titel)

vr mei 05, 2017 12:43 pm

Lighting flashed through the skies, setting the skies above Du Bastogne in bright light. Rain was falling down on a continuous base for the last several hours. The small streets were deserted, even the thiefs and shaddy figures were gone. Only the alley catere looking outside from their small hideaways. Their bright eyes were like fireflies dancing in the wind. The silences were abruptly pushed away by the hearing of the expensive carriage on the small cobblestone road that led straight through town. At the end of the small village their was a modest peninsula with at the end the most prestigious wizardschool of the known world situated in castle Du Bastogne.

Situated on the high rocks of Bastogne, the castle reached for the skies. Her high towers gave it a spooky appearance in the lightning that was followed by a heavy thunder as if the god of thunder was beating his drums harder then ever. Water splashed away from the large wheels will the carriage followed the road to the wizard school at the end of the peninsula. A large stone bridge was constructed halfway the small strip of land to keep having a acces road to the castle when the tide came up. Covering all the lands between the village and the castle. Big waves where smashing against the huge stone pillars that could barely keep the brigde above the waves. The four white horses kept moving bravely across the narrow bridge where at the end was modest gatehouse. The guards that were sheltering for the quickly stepped aside letting the carriage pas by. Now the road went up and made a sharp turn to the right where a second guardhouse appeared. This gate was clearly the main gate, judging by size and the connection to the outer walls. The carriage followed the way up to the castle where large iron lamps kept the road in a bright yellow light.

Once again the carriage past two smaller gates before it went through the last and most fancy gatehouse with large round towers with big pointy rooftops. The slowed speed now the drove onto the main courtyard. A large fountain with a four big swans was spraying water from their mouths. Not that it could ever win from the dark clouds. Even before the carriage came to a stop in front of the big stairs that led upto the main entrance of the castle, the carriagedoor swung open. With a big step grandmaster Jean-Luc came out of the carriage. He waved at the guards that quickly came down the stairs to help their master. Over their cuirass the wore a white cape with heraldic of the school.
"You, bring the wounded boy to the infirmary and you go wake the doctor!"
"Yes my lord"
One of the guards ran inside the castle to wake up the doctor.

Carefully the took out the boy named Saul, his body was severely bruised with blood all over. Jean-Luc followed the guard down the long corridors of the school that was situated in the castle. A few patients woke up by the hearing of sudden footsteps over the stone floor. But most of all it was the more than usual big doctor that made the most noise. You really need to step aside if you wanted to look past her. She nodded the guard to lay down the boy on the surgery table before she pushed him away with her body. He almost fell but he regained control and saluted before leaving the infirmary.
"What a mess, where did you find him?"
"In the slums," Jean-Luc replied before he clossed the door that led to the other patients.
"You mean this is a poor street rat?"
"Watch that tongue of yours Marie, this kid saved my life. Give him the best treatment possible and don't you dare to do otherwise. I will find out and you won't like that!"
"Yes yes my lord, now leave me alone with the patient."
Jean-Luc stared one more time in the blue eyes of the young lad and then left the room.

Slowly saul opened his eyes, the sunlight that came through the gap between the big curtains felt straight on his face. He tried to get up but the pain on his upper body pushed him back on the bed. He turned his face the other way and saw several beds with other patients. A nurse was busy giving someone a fresh bandage. He stared up where the large chandeliers were fitted with a big chain to the ceiling. With a massive blow the door in the corner was pushed open. Marie just fitted through the door and walked in like a elephant that wanted to show his dominance.
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Lid geworden op: wo jan 04, 2017 2:08 pm

Re: The apprentice(work titel)

vr mei 05, 2017 1:22 pm

Wat vriendschappelijke feedback en tips voor het Engels zelf (om je te helpen natuurlijk):
Lighting flashed thru the skies, setting the skies above Du Bastogne in bright light.
thru moet hier through zijn.
The small streets where deserted from anny man or child.
where moet were zijn. Deze fout maak je regelmatig. Where betekent waar; waren is were.
anny moet any zijn.
Ten derde is het genoeg om te zeggen "The small streets were deserted". Daarmee geef je namelijk al aan dat er niemand is ;)
Situated on the high rocks of Bastogne the castle reached for the skies.
Je mag hier een komma tussen "Bastogne" en "the" zetten.
The guard's that were guarding
guard's moet hier guards zijn. Dat is namelijk het meervoud van guard, terwijl je een hoge komma gebruikt bij bezit. Ten tweede gebruik je hier het woord guard twee keer achter elkaar. Je zou een synoniem voor guarding kunnen zoeken, bijvoorbeeld standing watch.
This gate was clearly the main gate due to it's size and the connection to the outer wall's
Ten eerste moet it's hier its zijn, aangezien je bezit wilt aangeven. Want it's betekent het is.
Ten tweede moet wall's hier walls zijn. Voor meervoud gebruik je in het Engels geen apostrof.
Ten derde is het denk ik beter als je zegt This gate was clearly the main gate, judging by its size and its connection to the outer walls. Due to betekent meer dankzij, en dat is niet helemaal wat je hier wilt zeggen.
past two smaller gate's before it went thru
gates en through
to wake up the doctor
wake up betekent wakker worden. Hier wil je juist wakker maken zeggen. to wake the doctor lijkt mij beter, alhoewel ik er ook niet helemaal zeker over ben.
"In the slumps,"
moet slums zijn
Watch's that tongue of yours Marie
moet watch zijn
Rivieren veranderen van richting door de generaties heen; uiteindelijk storten alle bruggen in.
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Capt Harlock
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Re: The apprentice(work titel)

vr mei 05, 2017 2:09 pm

Kijk hier hebben we wat aan, zal de feedback toepassen. Over veel dingen twijfelde ik al een beetje. Had toch naar mijn gevoel moeten luisteren en niet google.

Je hebt niet toevallig Engels gestudeerd he?
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Re: The apprentice(work titel)

vr mei 05, 2017 2:16 pm

Nee, ik heb geen Engels gestudeerd :lol: Ik ga (als het goed is) ná volgend schooljaar geschiedenis studeren aan de universiteit.
Dit jaar ga ik wel het Cambridge-examen in Advanced English doen. Als je dat haalt, krijg je een cool certificaat dat aangeeft dat je Engels beheerst op bijna het niveau van een "native speaker" ;)
Rivieren veranderen van richting door de generaties heen; uiteindelijk storten alle bruggen in.
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Capt Harlock
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Re: The apprentice(work titel)

vr mei 05, 2017 2:25 pm

Dan weet ik wie ik ga lastig vallen als ik vragen heb haha
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Re: The apprentice(work titel)

vr mei 05, 2017 4:06 pm

Tekst aangepast na tips
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nurias
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Lid geworden op: do nov 17, 2016 8:16 am

Re: The apprentice(work titel)

za mei 06, 2017 7:34 pm

Een goed Engels verhaal, te lezen en begrijpen en ben benieuwt naar het vervolg.
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Maaike
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Lid geworden op: wo nov 02, 2016 6:58 pm

Re: The apprentice(work titel)

ma mei 22, 2017 6:37 pm

Leuk en spannend begin van je verhaal :) Leest heel anders dan je Nederlandse verhalen. Gek hoe het wijzigen van een taal je spreek/schrijfwijze kan veranderen.

Wat kleine opmerkingen:
At the end of the small village their was a modest peninsula
their = there
Over their cuirass the wore a
the = they
en misschien is 'were wearing' mooier?
The slowed speed now the drove onto the main courtyard.
The = they
Carefully the took out the boy named Saul
the = they
Je kunt ervoor kiezen om de naam nog niet kwijt te geven. Het verhaal lijkt vanuit de hoofddocent/persoon te zijn geschreven en hij weet niet wie de jongen is. Het is mysterieuzer als we zijn naam nog niet weten, maar dat later ter sprake komt.
Jean-Luc stared one more time in the blue eyes of the young lad and then left the room.
Mooier is wellicht: Once more Jean-Luc stared in the blue eyes of the young lad, before he left the room.
He stared up where the large chandeliers were fitted with a big chain to the ceiling.
Ik zou 'stared' veranderen in 'looked' want in het stukje hiervoor gebruik je ook stared. En anders lijkt iedereen overal heen te staren - beetje creepy :P Je kunt eventueel ook nog 'wandered' gebruiken: 'His eyes wandered up to where...'
Marie just fitted through the door and walked in like a elephant that wanted to show his dominance.
Marie is een vrouw toch? Dan zou ik 'her dominance' gebruiken, want je refereert dan naar een vrouw + vrouwelijke olifant ^_^

Ga zo door!
It always seems impossible until it's done. Keep writing!

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